Introduction/Ryan

     So here I am.....my first blog. I have a few friends that blog and suggested I start blogging awhile ago....so I figured I'd give it a try. The fact that I do not work means that maybe I will blog a lot, or maybe I wont find it theraputic and I wont use it all. I guess we will see. I am Cat, also known as Jackie. I have 2 teenage boys-18 and just about to turn 15. The whole reason I felt the blog was possibly needed.
     I have an 18 year old son. If any of you have an 18 year old, you already understand and I could probably stop writing this blog right here and now. Because you know what I am going through. You know what I am going to write before you keep reading........When your child is small he thinks you know everything and asks for help. When your child is 18 you suddenly know nothing and they would rather get help from anyone other than you. My son has always been a well rounded kid, thought highly of himself (not judging, just stating) and has akways been confident. Sometimes it's a good trait and other times not so much. We joke about it, he knows his flaws. Recently he was dumped by his girlfriend of two years. I don't think he knew how to take it all or how to handle something he couldn't control. She has gone on her way and he had to get out of town. He has spent the last 2 weeks in a town 4 hours away visiting old friends. I know he needed this to cope but it has been hard on me. I am glad that he is gone dealing with what has happened and having fun with his old buddies.  I wondered when the break up happened how "I" would deal. This girl had been part of our lives for almost 2 years. We cared for her, fed her, carted her around  when her parents weren't here to do so. I wondered if I would have a mourning process as well as my son. But I didn't. I realized soon after the break up what a breath of fresh air it was not to have her here anymore. That the sound of her voice was annoying as all hell. Listening to them play kissy face, bicker or laugh around the house was more annoying than I had realized. I hate that his heart is broken.....I hate that he felt like he had to escape our home to get over her, and I hate that I am wondering how his mood will be when he does come home. I try to be supportive, because I love him. But at the same time I am happy that they are apart. He has his whole life ahead of him. New friends, new girls, new opportunities.....why chain yourself to your HS girlfriend at 18? So I an dealing with all of this.....and I think the reason it is breaking my heart that he doesn't want to be here, at home, is because I will be saying goodbye to my son in 6 weeks when he leaves for boot camp. I have 6 weeks left. 6 weeks left of him being here in my home, under my care, as a family of 4. 6 weeks will go by fast. and then it will be gone. The little boy I have had for 18 years will leave. I know that everyone always says things like WHERE DID THE TIME GO? But seriously, where did it go? I can remember everything like it was yesterday. Birthdays, tantrums, Christmases, clothes shopping, first days at summer camp, first days of school. People always prepare you to have a baby and give advice. Where is the advice or the preperations for when your kid leaves home? Can anyone explain what that feels like?  And then there are the days when he says something completely assnine and I think to myself OMG when does he leave? so he can go and grow up and become a man.......and then I feel guilty for feeling that way.

     This is me. this is my dilemma as of now. thanks for reading....